OT: It's time for More Tim Vine

Well....as some of you are probably aware, Tim vine is "The Daddy"

As proven by the following... Enjoy


"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought,
"That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....

Exit signs - they're on the way out.

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of
your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a
turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country
are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull
a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a
bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril
it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How
many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one
please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite"
"Alright" I
said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick.
Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catolytic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and
on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're
closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's
comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said
"How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

My local police chief does a talk on heroin. So you can't understand
any of it.

I was mugged recently and I burst into tears. This policman came up to
me and said "I'm fining you Â£10". I said "for crying out
loud". He
said "yes".

This is an Alphabet grenade. If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

--
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to wear ear plugs. ~ Spike
Milligan
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Antworten

efc (16.11.2008 08:39)
Moog (16.11.2008 10:30)