Monday Humour - Top 50 one liners from the Festival

"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what
rejection feels like" - Pippa Evans


"The Olympics are for everyone, not just someone who happens to own a
dancing horse" - Glenn Wool, on dressage


"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" - Tom Stade


"I love being touched sexually by an ecologist" - Jo Neary, in character as
a dolphin


"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly - just one big square that reads:
Go To Jail" - Des Clarke


"A problem shared is attention gained" - Pippa Evans


"Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" - Wilson Dixon


"I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was
thinking" - Kerry Godliman


On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've
got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" - Sarah Millican


"I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an
erection" - Jon Richardson


"No seriously, I am a feminist, just a lusty, ogling feminist. I'm a
lesbian, in fact" - Rob Deering


"Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10
minutes, then you start to feel sick" - Andrew Lawrence, on his ginger
appearance


"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" - Tim Vine


"If it's gone abroad, it must be fraud" - Tom Wrigglesworth, on the mindset
of the high-street banks


"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" - Joan Rivers, on
celebrities


"What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up
their dinner? 'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your
parents'" - Tom Stade


"Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done
anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" - Andy
Zaltzman


"Channel 4 just cuts out bits from 'heat' magazine and throws them on the
floor" - Wendy Wason, on C4 scheduling


"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" - Rick Shapiro


"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe.
Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" - Stephen Brown


"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's
a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs
of him" - Carey Marx


"I love making love on a bed of nails, but can I go on top?" - Ginger and
Black


"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" - Marcus Birdman


"One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up
to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh,
would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" -
Craig Hill


"Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented
in their day, so they feel left out" - Zoe Gardner


"The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream
saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" - Andrew Bird


"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" - Ian Stone


"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably
explains why her marriage collapsed" - Josie Long


"My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just
worried she's going to dehydrate" - Kerri Godliman


"Ken Dodd is one of my favourite comics, and one of the richest in
showbusiness - he has Swiss money in Irish banks" - Roy Walker


"I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" - Glenn
Wool


"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy.
He is unable to write, with both hands" - Wilson Dixon


"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes
his out in public" - Andrew Lawrence


"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no
hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" - Andy
Zaltzman


"Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" - A L Kennedy


"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good -
they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on
'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" - Isy Suttie


"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits
until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" - Joanna Neary


"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the
expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said,
'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I
wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" - Steve Williams


"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it
with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." - Steve Williams


"A headline last year, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is
hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and sobbed, 'Who's going to
present "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"' " - Steve Williams


"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing
him up" - Steve Hall


"I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever
properly understand" - Steve Hall


"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have
a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already
told you, darling - bird flu!'" - Tom Deacon


"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious
when I found him" - Tom Deacon


"I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first
time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'" - Tom Deacon


"I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just
reckless" - Danielle Ward


"I was in Halifax one Friday night in July, and I thought they were having
an 'idiots and whores' theme party, but no - that's just Halifax on a Friday
night" - Rob Deering


"I do love Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. He always looks so... clean. But if you
went out dressed like that round our way, you'd get the MDF kicked out of
you" - Domestic Goddi Rosie Wilkinson & Helen O'Brien


"I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their
stickers on my car" - Damian Callinan


"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a
stick - he just died first" - Alex Horne
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