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MrSpook's Totally Illogical, Non-Conformist, Bimbo Banging, Canon Smashing, Ball Busting, Mother Loving, Apocalyptic Review of "Star Trek - MMIX"

Von: MrSpook (mrspook2001@yahoo.com) [Profil]
Datum: 21.03.2010 20:21
Message-ID: <c22468c3-9f93-4132-b577-f0365cdba995@q21g2000yqm.googlegroups.com>
Newsgroup: alt.tv.farscaperec.arts.sf.movies alt.tv.star-trek.voyager alt.startrek alt.tv.star-trek.tos

I refused to pay a single penny to see it, and after recently
watching a borrowed copy on DVD, I'm still not ashamed to say that I
am glad to have made that choice.

I had expected a truly sub-par plot, filled with fatuous cliche, and
overly flashy special effects, which was, on the whole, as retarded as
a mentally challenged Pakled, and as gay as George Takei.

I wasn't completely wrong, but then right there in the midst of the
following . . . gorillas . . . I have to admit there were a sufficient
number of pleasant, touching, entertaining, and/or amusing elements to
keep me from calling it a complete waste of time, to wit:


Technical/Production Stuff:

Exterior Design - Enterprise - Whose bright idea was it to give the
nacelles the appearance of headlights from a '53 Buick?

Interior Design - Bridge - I think the canon just blew up.  Don't
worry, though.  In another few years, it'll look dated, too.

Interior Design - Engineering Sections/Scotty's workshop - Somebody
sure likes pipes and beams.  Looks like a goddamned brewery in there.

Exterior Design - Romulan Mining Ship - Lame.  Why do I keep
thinking, "Babylon Five"?

Interior Design - Romulan Mining Ship - Looks like something straight
out of Farscape.  But what about all those narrow platforms suspended
over that bottomless pit, and all that silly jumping around?  Did they
steal it from a race of bird-men, or giant grasshoppers?

Lighting - Yet another "bright" idea . . . so what's with all that
extremely annoying lens glare?  Used a bit more sparingly, it would be
okay, but holy shit, that was more than just a little excessive.  Sure
hope they don't give out any "innovative" awards for that.  I do,
however, appreciate the fact that they didn't film the damned thing in
the dark like they did in that dog featuring that gawd-awful
"Enterprise E".

Animation/Effects - On the whole, the CGI, along with it's attendant
physics, was excellent.  And I particularly admired the early segment
where the female crewman is sucked out into the vacuum of space
through a breach in the hull.  As the camera follows her out,
everything goes silent, adding a dimension of stark realism seldom
seen in this genre, although I do understand why such a realistic
portrayal is not usually employed.  The transporter effects, however,
were radically, and sloppily, overdone.

Music - Enjoyable; Emotionally stimulating; Well done, and I liked
the variations on the original theme at the end.

Title Credit Sequence/Graphic Design - Powerful; Stimulating, both
musically and visually.

End Credit Sequence - Enjoyable; Interesting visuals and cadence.


Characters/Story Stuff:

It's really a shame to see a kid having to grow up without knowing
his own dad, idn'it?

Thank God for genetics.

Little Spock's childhood tormentors sound like the "Goth Kids" from
South Park.

Little Spock's dad (Ben Cross) already looks old enough to be his
grandfather.

The extreme nature of Vulcan push-up bras is . . . facinating . . .
to say the least.  Were they designed by an aging T'Pol?

Nyota Uhura - So a young girl has a "thing" for teacher.  What a
surprise.  And like many movie bimbos, being, oh, so above it all, she
seems to think that any stranger who talks to her uninvited is her
inferior, but that sex is just what every "cute guy" needs after
suffering a devastating loss.  But then one should expect nothing
less, I suppose, from a girl with such a talented tongue who has, on
multiple occasions, demonstrated "exceptional oral sensitivity".  (It
clearly appears she wanted to apply that sensitivity to Spock in the
stalled Wonkevator . . . And the canon explodes again.)

Chris Pine (especially in profile) looks less like Shatner, and more
like the main character from that awful HBO series about the lame
little group of self-obsessed Hollywood pricks.

Pine, in his physical actions, manner, facial expressions, delivery
of dialog, and even in some of the content of the dialog itself, which
could have indeed been ad-libbed, played the part of Jim Kirk exactly
as if he were really playing John Crichton.  So why didn't they just
hire Ben Browder?  Not to say that I mind, so much, because I really
like Crichton.  I'm just sayn'.  But I ain't buyin' any notion that
all of that was simply a coincidence.

Guess it did make some sense, though, since "Pike" (Bruce Greenwood)
was actually playing Crichton's dad, lol.

Maybe they should have just gone whole hog, and cast Claudia Black as
Yeoman Rand.

Worst casting error - Zachary Quinto as Spock - His voice is too
high, his nose is too big, and he doesn't even try to imitate Nimoy's
speech or mannerisms.  (Point - Tuvok)

Besides that . . . he's gay.  (Point - Laura G.)

Does John Cho (Sulu) actually have acne scars like George Takei, or
was that just a bit of Hollywood makeup magic?

Best overall classic character portrayal, hands down - Karl Urban, as
"Bones" (Leonard McCoy), but he really needs a bigger flask.

(Pine did do a pretty damned good Crichton, though, lol.)

Most interesting looking aliens - Big face at the bar, and the boogly-
eyed obstetrician.

Stupidest monster - Hairless Snow Crab  Way too big/animated to be
cold-blooded, and far too skinny to have blubber.

Stupidest character - Scotty's little side-kick.  Made me think of
that dumb-assed monkey on "Speed Racer".

Corniest lines - Robo Cop & Leonard Nimoy  ( I refuse to repeat them
here.)

Nero and his friends act like pro wrestling fans.  Do they have a
"WWF" on Romulus?

Have all Romulans in the future lost their hair, or did they just get
tired of the Vulcan Bowl Cut?  I was half expecting Crichton . . . er,
"Kirk", to make some humorous reference to, "The Baldies".

Speaking of hair . . . Chekov needs a wig.


Goofy Parallels/References:

The big-headed alien from TAS.

The bald-headed captain . . . 'nuff said.

"Nokia"; "Budweiser Classic"; "A shot of 'Jack'" - PP$$$

A "Centaurian slug", a la "the last indigenous life form" of Ceti
Alpha V . . . Oh, please.

Crichton . . . er, "Kirk", bangs his head, a la Doohan.

Sulu's throttle lever, a la "The Protector", from "Galaxy Quest".

So Scotty likes to eat - Most likely a reference to his wide girth
later in life.

"Admiral Archer's prize beagle" - Retarded.

Spock Prime gives Scotty his own formula, just as Scotty once gave
the fat guy from HBO's "NNTN" his transparent aluminum thingy in, "ST-
IV - Save The Whales".

Tuvok's grand-daddy was relegated to the background.  (Sorry,
Julianna. lol)

Spock Prime and Crichton . . . er, "Kirk", sitting around the fire.
I almost expected them to pull out a pot of explosive beans.


Stupid Plot Points/Plot Holes:

About that fire . . . where ever did Spock Prime find the wood for it
in that completely frozen environment?

The Kobiashi Maru - Complete lack of imagination in re
Crichton's . . . er, "Kirk's", extremely lame "solution" to the
problem.

Attack on Vulcan - Where are all the Vulcan ships that the rescue had
to come from Earth?  Why didn't they just send one of their own ships
up there and blast the drill's chain in half to begin with like
Schnozzo Spock did later on?  That's kinda like calling 911 after
hearing someone breaking into your house, and then hiding under your
bed waiting for the cops to show up, when you know you have your own
gun in the night stand.

Sulu's failure to "disengage the external inertial dampeners" should
have resulted in his immediate replacement by a more competent pilot,
or at the very least, some kind of reprimand, that is, until it became
apparent that his mistake actually served to save the ship, which,
though surely obvious to some, was never clearly acknowledged for the
benefit of the retarded masses.

How/where/when did Uhura learn "all three dialects" of the Romulan
language, in light of the fact that so little was known about their
race prior to Kirk's original "five year mission"?

For that matter . . . how did anyone even KNOW that the villains were
Romulan at all, given the fact that they never identified themselves
to like . . . well . . . ANYBODY?

And what was with all that drama about having Uhura relieve the
communications officer on the bridge, supposedly based on her advanced
linguistic skills, and then having Nero pop up on the viewscreen and
say, "Hi, Christopher.  I'm Nero.", sounding like Wally Cleaver's
twelve year old neighbor?

How/where did the Romulan mining ship hide from Starfleet, and what
did it, and its crew, do for 25 FRIGGIN YEARS while waiting for Spock
Prime to show up?

Additionally, how were they supposed to know that he would even show
up . . . AT ALL . . . Hmmm?

If Nero and his crew didn't go to Romulus, why didn't they, at the
very least, contact someone there, and give them a heads up on how and
when to save their planet?

Even so . . . when Spock Prime was captured by the Romulan miners,
why did he not even try to propose a plan to travel . . . "Back To The
Future" (lol) . . . in order to prevent the now preventable
destruction of the population of Romulus, and thereby also fix
everything that went wrong in the past?  I mean, after all, he's at
least as smart as Doc Brown, right?  Besides, he had already helped
save the whales, didn't he . . . or did he?

Chevre Rouge Et Noir - If such a tiny amount of "red matter" was
sufficient to create a black hole powerful enough to turn a super nova
inside out, it seems logical to assume that: 1) Anyone aware of this
who would not only collect, but then haul around such a large quantity
of that crap would have to be certifiably bananas in the first place;
2) The activation of Spock's entire buttload of it should have been
enough to swallow up everything within at least a parsec, minimum.
Therefore, the Enterprise (along with the makers of this film) should
have never been able to escape without first engaging warp drive . . .
long before that ever happened.

Although I do have many other questions/ideas/complaints/problems
with or about any number of other plot elements concerning the
background of events through which the various characters developed,
or were subsequently brought together, primarily due to the fact that
history was supposed to have been changed by characters from the
future passing through the singularity/wormhole, I have more important
things to do with my . . . end times.

After all . . . it's only a fuckin movie, right?


However, I will say this:  The parallels here are . . . interesting -
The superficial appearance of sameness, amidst radical change, not all
of it good.  Sound familiar?  As the scripted cataclysmic events this
picture portrays, which opened an ever widening door to a virtually
limitless number of extreme changes to TOS timeline, by certain
individuals who have clearly expressed an open hatred of Star Trek,
will undoubtedly effect the long established canon in much the same
way as the scripted demolition of the World Trade Center has effected,
and continues to threaten our long established traditions under the
Constitution and Bill of Rights, by certain individuals who have
similarly expressed their open hatred of America.  Of course, the
integrity of "Trek" is infinitely less important, but the pattern is
the same.

Who runs Hollyweird, anyway . . . the evil terrorists?


A final, "comforting" thought  (Go back to bed, sheeple!!!):

The Iowa Cop was very polite.  He did not badger, brutalize, or tase
Young Kirk.  He also had to ask the boy what his name was, which
obviously means that the youngster had not been forcibly implanted
with a Verichip.  So apparently, perhaps, at least by the 23rd
century, everyone finally knows that 9-11 was an inside job.  Yay!  :)


Oh, yeah.  I almost forgot . . .


Best Line/Scene/New Character:

George Kirk (Chris Hemsworth) -  "Sweetheart, can you hear
me??? . . .  I love you so much . . . I love you!!!"


=-

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