NEW2U: "Kolinahr: the Parting", 3a/12 (TOS, K&S&Mc, Ch, Sa, Am; anx, h/c [G])

For anybody still interested in reading this, sorry for the delay;
between the weather and my recurring headaches, I haven't had much
posting time lately.  --Gamin, rushing to post this before another
storm hits (this will likely have missed typos in it, therefore).

******

Summary: my end-of-mission story about how Spock, Kirk, et al deal
with Spock's decision to return to Vulcan and attain Kolinahr.  This
part: Christine Chapel goes to comfort Spock.

Disclaimer: Part 1a.

******

For the next several days, Spock complied with Kirk's demand and
remained in his quarters whenever he was off-duty; if nothing else, it
gave him time to reconsider the option of Kolinahr.  His own current
emotional state seemed to confirm Spock's need to return to Vulcan as
soon as possible--the sooner he attained Kolinahr, the better off he
would be.  He thought of Kirk's and McCoy's advice, the arguments that
had followed, and the emotional agony he had felt in response--and
decided that a state of total logic was indeed his only answer.  He
did not, however, want to return to Vulcan with both his Human friends
still angry with him.

When Spock's duties required him to be on the Bridge, he tried to
ignore Kirk and McCoy, who had again taken up the illogical habit of
hovering around the command chair.  He knew without really paying any
attention that they were watching him, discussing him, generally
acting like the two emotional, illogical Humans that Spock had learned
to trust and respect--and yes, he had to admit to himself now, even
feel affection for--above all others.  And now, when he needed their
friendship most, they weren't even on speaking terms with him.

Spock stole occasional glances at them, wondering if Jim, who so often
seemed to comprehend his emotions better than he did himself, knew how
much his insults and cold treatment had hurt Spock.  He had resorted
to name-calling only once before, in a deliberate attempt to free
Spock of the Omicron Ceti III spores; he had not meant any of the
things he had said then.  But this time?

McCoy might have been capable of such insults, but surely not Jim…
Either way, both continued to avoid him like a plague victim.  Spock
found himself still unable to eat or sleep, since virtually all his
time now was spent in meditation and other Vulcan techniques of
emotional control as he sought to suppress all the tangled,
conflicting emotions within him.  He tried in vain to convince himself
that Kirk's and McCoy's support was unimportant, and to squelch the
illogical desire he felt growing within him for their approval of his
decision; like his efforts at maintaining his emotional controls,
these attempts, too, seemed to lose more effectiveness with each
passing day.

******

It was well into the second week after Spock's argument with Kirk and
McCoy before anyone showed any signs of offering the Vulcan any
support--and when it came, it did so from an unexpected quarter.

Spock was in his quarters, as usual, feeling by now more alienated and
alone than he had ever felt in all his time on the Enterprise and
knowing he would not be able to endure this cold, indifferent
treatment from Jim Kirk much longer.  He had been so certain that Jim,
of all people, could understand both his reasons and his need for
support…

Spock realized there was no logic in allowing the situation to
continue and decided to violate Kirk's orders to stay away from him;
they needed to talk.  He had just reached for his uniform shirt when
his door buzzer sounded.  He dropped it abruptly and sat back down on
his bed.  "Who is it?" he asked, fervently hoping it was Kirk.

"Nurse Chapel," a voice replied.

Spock raised an eyebrow.  "Come in, Miss Chapel," he said.  Why had
she come?  Had McCoy told her about their argument?

She entered cautiously.  "Mr. Spock?  I hope I'm not disturbing you,"
she ventured.

Spock folded his hands loosely in his lap.  "No, not at all," he
replied truthfully, then, more to himself than to her, he intoned, "I
had hoped that Dr. McCoy would at least respect my privacy and keep
our discussions to himself.  Obviously--"

"Don't blame him," Christine interrupted ruefully.  "If you're...
displeased...with anyone, it should be me.  I overheard him talking to
the Captain about you returning to Vulcan and Kolinahr.  I know I
shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but...when I realized they were
talking about you, I also knew there was something wrong.  I wanted to
find out what it was. I hope you'll forgive me, Mr. Spock," she
confessed, feeling very unprofessional as she watched the Vulcan for
some reaction.

He looked terrible, and not only physically; it was as if he had been
experiencing some great emotional strain that was gradually becoming
too much for him to bear.

"There is nothing to forgive, Nurse," Spock assured her--and though he
kept his face as expressionless as possible, Christine perceived
kindness, even gratitude, in his voice.  "I…appreciate your concern,"
he continued carefully.  "I would, however, like to know why you are
here."

Christine nodded.  "I just wanted you to know that, whether you decide
to return to Vulcan or stay with Starfleet, I'll support your
decision," she told him.  It was doubtful that her opinion meant
anything to Spock, but she had realized after overhearing Kirk and
McCoy that she had to let him know how she felt.

Spock cocked his head sideways and looked up at her dubiously.
"You do not disapprove, as the Captain and Dr. McCoy do?"

Christine was surprised.  "Does it matter?"

"I am curious."

"Well--actually, no, I don't approve," she admitted, "but I'm willing
to trust that you know what's best for you better than we do."

Spock bowed his head.  "I wish I was as certain as you seem to be," he
responded softly.

Christine was puzzled.  "You mean you're not?"

"No," Spock admitted reluctantly.  "As the Captain may have indicated,
I…do not entirely understand my reasons myself, since they seem to be…
emotion-based.  I only know that I have no other alternative than
Kolinahr; it has become obvious that I cannot remain here."

Christine decided to take a chance and offer the Vulcan some
unsolicited advice.  "Spock …I will support you in whatever you decide
to do, but…first, you have to be certain you want to do it.  I'm sure
Captain Kirk would tell you that."

Spock nodded.  "Yes, Miss Chapel, I suppose he would," he agreed
slowly.  It did, in fact, sound like the kind of advice Jim Kirk would
have given him, if only…at that moment, he fully realized how much he
had missed being able to talk to his Human friend.

Christine noticed the trace of sadness in his voice and moved closer
to him.  "Spock…are you all right?"

Spock didn't dare give her a straight answer.  "Miss Chapel--"

"Christine?" she suggested hopefully.

"Christine," he echoed, acquiescing; it was all she had ever asked of
him, and it seemed to make her happy.  "The next time you see Dr.
McCoy, would you ask him and the Captain to come see me?" he
requested, though he doubted either one of them would comply.

"Of course, Spock," she replied.  She knew all about the argument, of
course; McCoy had come storming into Sickbay immediately afterwards,
ranting and raving about it for almost half an hour.  Later, he had
told her about the very one-sided argument with Kirk that had gone on
after he left.  Christine could only vaguely imagine how much Kirk's
words had hurt Spock, but she was sure this was Spock's way of trying
to express some of the inner turmoil that had been building within him
for the last couple of weeks.  One way or another, Spock knew this
cold war between himself and his two friends had to end.

Finally, Christine turned to go.

"Christine…"

She turned back briefly.  "Yes?"

"Thank you," Spock said softly, looking up at her now with eyes full
of undisguised gratitude.

She smiled back at him understandingly, nodding in
acknowledgement, then turned and hurried out of the room.

******

One of the reasons Kirk had continued avoiding his First Officer for
so long was that he had realized how cruel he had been and didn't want
to face Spock again until he could apologize sincerely and
convincingly.  To do that, he had to sort out his own feelings about
Spock's intentions of returning to Vulcan to purge himself of his
Human half through Kolinahr--and that was how he had spent the last
two weeks.

Through countless discussions with McCoy and considerable soul-
searching on his own, Kirk had finally realized that Spock had done
nothing to warrant the verbal attack his Captain had unleashed upon
him.  Certainly it hurt to think he himself was responsible for Spock
wanting to take such drastic action…but it hurt even more to know that
he himself had worsened the present situation for his Vulcan friend.

Kirk also knew that Spock had not come to him on his own only because
his Captain had wanted it that way; neither he nor McCoy had seen
anything of the Vulcan except on the Bridge, where Kirk paid just
enough attention to him to know that his physical condition was still
deteriorating.  One thing stood out above all else in Kirk's mind:
Spock needed--and wanted--their support, whatever he decided.
If Spock did indeed choose to return to Vulcan, Kirk knew neither he
nor McCoy could agree with him; they both felt too strongly that the
Kolinahr option was wrong.  They *could*, however, at least let Spock
know that they understood his reasons--all the anguish and uncertainty
aroused within him by his long exposure to Humans and their emotions--
and would not resent him for it, or make things any more difficult for
him than they already were.

Kirk reflected on all that had happened to Spock while under his
command and realized that they--at least, he--had done everything
possible to make the Vulcan feel welcome.  The fact remained, however,
that he was still the only Vulcan on an all-Human ship.  Kirk knew his
First Officer well enough to know that Spock still felt out of place
and alone--never more than now, when the one man he'd thought he could
rely on for help and support was apparently refusing to even tolerate
his presence.

Being half-Vulcan and half-Human, of course, made it impossible for
Spock to belong fully to either world.  But he tried, Kirk decided; he
had tried very hard to fit in here, and Kirk had always tried to help
him in any way he could.  He and McCoy had offered the Vulcan their
friendship, and Spock had gradually overcome his apprehension and
uncertainty as to how to respond and seemed to accept it--even value
it.  Especially Kirk's.

Kirk remembered Spock's futile attempt to explain the feelings that
had driven him to want to do this, feelings he himself did not
understand--thought of his Vulcan friend's usually tightly controlled
and suppressed affection for him--and decided that was reason enough
to go apologize to Spock and let him know he had his Captain's
support.

McCoy, however, was not as easy to convince.  In his mind, supporting
Spock equaled condoning his decision, an idea he continued to cling
stubbornly to, despite Kirk's best efforts to persuade him otherwise.
They were still discussing it in McCoy's office when Christine Chapel
entered, looking upset.

McCoy noticed her first, and he and Kirk immediately fell silent.
"Christine? What's wrong?" he asked.

She looked at them in relief.  "Doctor…Captain Kirk, good--you're both
here."

"What's wrong, Nurse?" Kirk repeated curiously.

Christine directed a pleading look at him.  "Captain, you've got to go
see Spock, talk to him…both of you."  Seeing now that both of them
looked interested and concerned, she continued urgently.  "I've just
come from his quarters.  He looks awful…I don't think he's eaten or
slept any more since your argument with him.  And he wants to talk to
both of you."

"Did he actually say that?" McCoy asked suspiciously.

Christine nodded.

"Well, I pretty much suspected he wasn't eating or sleeping," Kirk
admitted slowly, moving closer to Christine.  "How did he seem…uh…
otherwise?"

Christine sighed, thinking.  "Very hurt.  And also, somehow…I think…
lonely.  He looked so miserable when I came in, and he seemed so
pleased to see me--just to have someone to talk to--that I hated to
leave him again.  "Captain, won't you go talk to him?  Please?"

She need not have repeated the request; Kirk had already heard
enough.  He shot a look at McCoy.  "I'm going to see Spock," he stated
factually.  "Are you coming, Doctor?"

McCoy had to think about it for a minute, a fact which annoyed Kirk
considerably.  Finally, however, he nodded in agreement and followed
Kirk out the door.

END PART 3A
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