• Als Spam markieren
• Beitrag melden

• 
  Diese Gruppe Alles

• Archiv
• RSS-Feeds

• Kontakt
• Hilfe
• Impressum
• Datenschutz

continuance of vent

X-No-Archive: Yes

ok... apparently somebody inside wasn't quite done... feel free to
ignore this as we know we haven't been here for some time now...

spoilering for r*ge, sw**ring self-h*tred, mention of si.. nothing
gr*phic, just mention.

20
19
18
17
16
15
14
13
12
11
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1

I WANNA BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yeah, I've heard all the arguments tonight that normal is highly
overrated and doesn't exist... but dammit.. there is SOME semblance of
normal in the world.

Adults don't GENERALLY sleep in a twin bed that's halfway full of
stuffies.  SERIOUSLY, half full.  We sleep on half the bed cuz the
other half is all stuffies.

I'M TIRED OF IT!!!  I DON'T WANT THEM THERE!!!  But we try to weed
them out a bit.. not to totally get rid of even, just to put away and
it's just not ok with the little ones.. so we have to leave them.
Changing the sheets is a MAJOR chore because there's so many goddamn
stuffies to take off the bed and then put back on.  ARGH!!! I WANT
THEM GONE!!!!  I can handle two or three.. or maybe even 10.. but for
god's sake there must be 30 or more stuffies on that bed!

Adults can GENERALLY go to things like bachelorette parties without
being triggered like crazy at the sex-related items that are there...
and while my future sis-in-law is one of my closest friends and one of
the few friends who actually somewhat understands things.. I'm afraid
she'll feel hurt if I'm not there... I am a bridesmaid after all.  I'm
TIRED of being triggered so easily by those types of things and not
being able to go out and have fun with friends.  And these are people
who are actually fairly tame and reserved.. but I'm still afraid we'll
be triggered by something. *sighs*

Adults can GENERALLY watch things that trigger the fuck outta me.  My
dad was watching a movie on tv tonight about the CIA and there was a
scene in which someone was being hurt... and they weren't even showing
it.. but you heard the screaming.. and we couldn't take it.  Tried
saying something to the effect of "do we HAVE to watch this?" but he
was too into the movie and didn't hear us.. we had to leave the room..
which made him upset cuz he woulda changed it if he'd heard us.. but
it was hard enough for the little ones to say something once... to
repeat it was asking too much from them.

yeah.. there's some who are more wimpy than others at movies n stuff..
but still... not to the degree we are.

I'm TIRED of having to ask people to change channels or plans or to
not watch a certain movie because it triggers the fuck outta me and
gives me nightmares.

I WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!  I DON'T WANT TO BE MULTIPLE ANYMORE!

I hate myself *SO* much and wanna hurt myself.. wanna cut..  I
haven't.. don't plan to.. but I want to... god I want to...

the logical parts know that a lot of this is cuz we're in between
therapists... tryin' to find a new one... actually working at it now..
last saw a therapist in October 2006.  haven't seen one since...
haven't really tried very hard to find one until the last 3-4 weeks.
got an appt with a potential on thursday... not real sure tho... she's
got experience with d.i.d. which is a plus... but.. i don't know..
something in her voice when we talked over the phone.. just not sure.
gonna meet in person tho for one session n see..

We feel like we're gonna spend the rest of our lives feeling like a
little kid trapped in a big body... and we hate it... we HATE it...
and most of us don't see the point in living a life like that... what
can we possibly accomplish?  How can we ever take care of ourselves?
We'd need a roommate if we didn't live at home and there's no one who
lives here who we'd trust enough to live with...

We're not in danger of hurting ourselves or anything like that.. but..
*sighs* we wish we'd never been born in the first place...

*sighs* I think maybe we're done now... gone from rage to
depression...

thanks for readin' if you got this far...

rainstar

Antworten