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stuff

feel guilty postin' since i'm havin' a hard time readin' n even more
of a hard time replyin' to stuff right now...

but i don't have anybody else to talk to these days... so i guess i'm
postin'.

sp for self-h*tred, mention of self-h*rm n s*ic*de (nothing graphic.
just mentions), feeling like a f*il*re (a,u)..  may amend spoiler when
done.

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'k.. so yeah.. we're feelin' pretty crappy tonight.

we know where some of it is coming from... our brother's getting
married at the end of the month... and he moved out this past weekend.

we're happy for him 'n all but we're feeling like a complete failure
and worthless because we feel like we'll never be able to move out and
make it on our own.  we tried.. twice.. had to move home twice...

and yeah.. part of me says i have to have patience.. part of me just
wants to not exist.  just wanna disappear... just wish never existed
in the first place.  wanna c*t.. trying really really hard not to..
but i want to.  not really in danger of s*ic*de.. just more of a
wistful wish..

finding myself isolating more n more.. not even wanting to log on to
talk to my s.o.  has nothing to do with him and everything with me..

started a new t. about 3 weeks ago... only seen her twice.. see her
tomorrow... feeling like a failure there too cuz i couldn't manage to
get my homework done even though i really tried..

she wanted us to kinda take a "history" of all of us.. things like
what made each split.. and what does each part think they're good at..
not necessarily what they're *job* is.. but what they think they're
good at. n i failed miserably.. cuz everytime i tried to ask..
everytime i tried to work on it... i got nothing.. just complete
silence.

times like these make me doubt my multiplicity.. even though I *know*
there have been times when I know it was not me in charge of my body..
that a kid was out...

but i feel so separated from the rest of the system.. n when i just
get silence in answer to my questions inside.. it makes me doubt..
*sighs*

just feel like a complete and utter failure at life.. not worthy of
even the air that i breathe..

not really in danger of hurting myself or anything... almost don't
even have enough energy to do that. *sighs*

val for rainstar

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