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Re: depths

astri, please forgive me for responding to this b4 i rd thru everything like
i said coz, well, i read this & it seems quite dire & it terrified me.  ima
go below spoiler but atop your words.
"astri" <invalid@example.com> wrote in message
news:Pine.BSI.4.64.0709160953490.8766@malasada.lava.net...
> spoiler for putting very negative wishes and feelings out there
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i dunno what makes you feel this way &/but i never coulda imagined
that you would from everything thta i know/knew about you until the
breakdowns around the daughter that you sorta adopted.

i must research what the latest is about that particular
problem.  and/or other difficulties.

i think that some severe stuff must have occured and that i have neglected
to read some reports about it because of an overload of my own heavy
problems.  for e.g. i am falling asleep now & i'll need to stop this & nap
enuf to be able to take care of potato.

i'm sorry.

i'll read more later.

to everyone,
trill

> yesterday, i realized there was a chant inside: "i wish we could be
dead."
> that led to a what-if scenario with c and sir lala both dying in an
> accident, including detailed analysis of what exactly we'd have to do to
> tie
> things up before dying.  it doesn't feel like this is voluntary thinking.
> it's really hard to shut off, even after we realize we should try to shut
> it
> off.  it certainly doesn't help anything.
>
> we don't want to be nutz.  we don't like to be nutz.  it's not fair.  we
> just wish we could shut everything down.  being is too hard.  we just want
> to be able to stop.  it's not fair.  we still have to stick around for sir
> lala and c, anyway.  i guess we have to learn how to pretend to be
> passably
> human, then.
>
> feelings can be dangerous.  tolerating them isn't enough.  acting out to
> make them go away never really worked and just made us more nutz.  we
> think
> maybe we didn't really learn what to do with them to make them less
> powerful.  maybe we didn't get a chance to learn how to process them and
> transform them, maybe we just learned how to tolerate them.  theory says
> you're supposed to be able to learn how to process them and transform
> them.
> we don't know how to do that, tho.  maybe we're not allowed to or maybe we
> don't deserve to; we're not sure, really.  maybe we were supposed to have
> learned it by now.  we were supposed to have been better by now.  we were
> supposed to have been good enough by now, but we're not.
>
> they were almost hit be a car when the body was about 3.  they had run
> across the street to visit a neighbor's house.  there's a picture memory
> of
> a really big bumper coming up close to the right.  the car's headlight and
> the edge of the car are right there.  i guess it just missed them.  that's
> really too bad.
>
> -- astri
>
>  =====================
>  to email send to astri
>  =====================
>      at volcano dot org
>  =====================

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