Re: naked m*ther

Before I start writting, I would liketo agree with Juniper ...
<waves> ... every word ... *smiles*

> wanted to post for such a long time.  reading all the posts every day
> but can't seem to post myself.  Tabkey calls it.... hum... can't
> remeber.  anyways.....  feeling so depressed today.  spoilers for....
> words and tears and religion and and and .....

*smiles* ... lurking ... hehehe ... am sori that you feel depressed,
really do hope that it gets better for you ... haven't been doing too
well myself lately, and through all of this, one thing stands out like
a sore thumb - no one can really make it better for me accept I
myself, now this is not something that I 'want' to hear, but it is
unfortunately true ... (((HUGS))) ... meet ya below.

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That should do it ....

> during the consultation i stood up for myself and confronted him and
> his wife.  i told the psychiatrist that i will not allow anyone to
> blame me for my chil's emotional state but that i can not repair that
> which his father has broken.  she agreed with me.  he admitted he made
> a mistake, but i confronted him in the past about this exact same
> thing because i knew what was going on and he said he will correct it.

WELL DONE !!!

> you can't just correct something so terrible!
> he distorted the image my son had of me!

Allow him (your son) the time to work through this, it will be
okay ........

>  i told so many people since monday what happened and they understand
> the situation and they are really giving me good advice, support and
> guidance, but i still feel emotionally drained, helpless and weak.  i
> feel like a total failure.  although i am not directly responsible for
> my childs suicidal behavior i feel totally responsible because i am
> his mother.  i want to protect him and make him feel safe.  the idea
> of the posibility of loosing him drives me crazy.  in a sense i lost
> my kids because they are not living with me anymore, but the feeling
> that i have now is much more intense.

Eventhough you might "feel' like a failure - you ARE NOT !!!

> i want to tell everyone who knows me who is reding this post: i am
> sorry the way i feel makes you think that your support means nothing.
> i appreciate your support, but i heve lost the essence of who i always
> dreamt of being: a mother...  sometimes i think that if i can only
> have another child  - one of my own that no one will be able to take
> away from me - it will restore so many emotions.  having another child
> sounds like a dream.  i have such a desire to care for something that
> breathes...  i have som much to give, but without my children i am
> nothing.  they eren'y taken away from me by court, i did not loose
> them because i abused them, i did not loose custody: wanted the best
> for them with minimum trauma during the divorce and for self
> preserverance and believing i am doing the right thing, i left them
> behind.  i did all of this for them...

Point noted ... *smiles* ... u r a good mother, and u are that to your
kids ... u doing well

> why does it hurt so much when i'm doing the right thing?
> i thought that i could handle the pain of being apart from them for
> the sake of getting back on myfeet and giving them a better life, BUT
> could they handle it?   ......

Shakespear:  "If doing the right thing were as easy as knowing what to
do, then chapels would be churches and poor men's cottages would be
princes palaces".

> so many people look at me, thinking that i am strong.

u r stong, just don't feel like it right now, for if u weren't strong,
u would not have come thus far

> i want to die to escape the hurt.
> but i know that don't really want to die.
> i want to live...
> i want to see my children grow up and be good, strong people.
> i want to see them going through the stages of life.
> i want to see them living their dreams.
> i want to see my granchildren.
> i want to get married again and show my children what a healthy
> relationship looks like.
> i want to care for people the way that i longed for people to care for
> me when i was going through tough times.

and u will get here, just take one step at a time, one day at a
time ...

> (i am trying so hard to talk myself out of the pain i'm feeling.)

u don't need to do that, feel the pain and work through it ...

> what is keeping me from death right now?
>
> my so who loves me and who is so patient with all of us.
>
> ...my  two children...
>
> supportive friends
>
> my faith that g*d will restore my life as he originally intended it to
> be.

hold on to these .....

> i will have to face my children this afternoon - and i hope that my ex-
> husband has began the process of helping my son.  i am afraid that i
> will still see the hurt in his eyes and i am sure that i will not be
> able to contol my emotions when i do...

hope it went well ... been thinking of yous ....

> this is the naked me
> i am a mother...

Tabkey
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