Re: naked m*ther

On Oct 18, 10:59 am, survivor_x <survivor_...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> On Oct 18, 4:42 am, j...@tuells.org () wrote:
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> > Have you thought of family t'py with you and your kids? With or
> > without your ex. Maybe your son needs to hear from you and have
> > you hear him?
>
> > Rainbow Colors (Jill)
>
> > In article <1192611628.711392.30...@k35g2000prh.googlegroups.com>,
>
> > survivor_x  <survivor_...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> > >wanted to post for such a long time.  reading all the posts every day
> > >but can't seem to post myself.  Tabkey calls it.... hum... can't
> > >remeber.  anyways.....  feeling so depressed today.  spoilers for....
> > >words and tears and religion and and and .....
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> > >went to child psychistrist on monday to hear the results of my son's
> > >evaluation.  i knew all along that he was very negative towards me
> > >because of what his father told him.  when i left then with their
> > >father fifteen months ago he told my son all the bad things i wrote
> > >about in by book regarding the occult etc.  and because his father is
> > >a pastor they are perfect and made whole in christ but i am wicked and
> > >cannot receive forgiveness.  the psychiatrists concerns about my child
> > >is that he feels so negative about me that he wants to commit
> > >suicide.  he is only eight, but the confusion surrounding his me is
> > >just to much for his little mind to handle.  we always had a wonderful
> > >relationship but my ex husband destroyed the most precious gift i was
> > >ever given.
>
> > >during the consultation i stood up for myself and confronted him and
> > >his wife.  i told the psychiatrist that i will not allow anyone to
> > >blame me for my chil's emotional state but that i can not repair that
> > >which his father has broken.  she agreed with me.  he admitted he made
> > >a mistake, but i confronted him in the past about this exact same
> > >thing because i knew what was going on and he said he will correct it.
>
> > >you can't just correct something so terrible!
> > >he distorted the image my son had of me!
>
> > >i worked for the first seven years of my son 's life to give him the
> > >security i never had as a child.  i held him for hours.  we had long
> > >conversations and we build a relationship.  i taught him how to
> > >pray....
>
> > >my heart is broken over my child.
> > >i will be seeing him tonight and i don't know how to look at him
> > >without crying.  i want to hold and and ask his forgiveness for
> > >whatever did this to him.  i want to take away the hurt and the
> > >confusion....  because i am also confused...
>
> > > i told so many people since monday what happened and they understand
> > >the situation and they are really giving me good advice, support and
> > >guidance, but i still feel emotionally drained, helpless and weak.  i
> > >feel like a total failure.  although i am not directly responsible for
> > >my childs suicidal behavior i feel totally responsible because i am
> > >his mother.  i want to protect him and make him feel safe.  the idea
> > >of the posibility of loosing him drives me crazy.  in a sense i lost
> > >my kids because they are not living with me anymore, but the feeling
> > >that i have now is much more intense.
>
> > >i want to die.  i regret leaving my children behind.  i regret not
> > >fighting harder for them.  i hate myself for not being alble to
> > >"control" the situation.  my son is eight.  no one is suppossed
to
> > >feel suicidal at this age.
>
> > >the support i have, being surrounded by those who love me, starting in
> > >a new job, having a wonderfull life ahead of me....  nothing can
> > >change the way i feel inside.  i am broken and have no idea how to
> > >make this better.... and maybe it is not my resposibility to make it
> > >better because i did not do this, but i am his mother.  me son is my
> > >responsibility.
>
> > >i want to tell everyone who knows me who is reding this post: i am
> > >sorry the way i feel makes you think that your support means nothing.
> > >i appreciate your support, but i heve lost the essence of who i always
> > >dreamt of being: a mother...  sometimes i think that if i can only
> > >have another child  - one of my own that no one will be able to take
> > >away from me - it will restore so many emotions.  having another child
> > >sounds like a dream.  i have such a desire to care for something that
> > >breathes...  i have som much to give, but without my children i am
> > >nothing.  they eren'y taken away from me by court, i did not loose
> > >them because i abused them, i did not loose custody: wanted the best
> > >for them with minimum trauma during the divorce and for self
> > >preserverance and believing i am doing the right thing, i left them
> > >behind.  i did all of this for them...
>
> > >why does it hurt so much when i'm doing the right thing?
> > >i thought that i could handle the pain of being apart from them for
> > >the sake of getting back on myfeet and giving them a better life, BUT
> > >could they handle it?   ......
>
> > >so many people look at me, thinking that i am strong.  i am not.  i am
> > >broken in pieces.  i long for my children so desperately but if my
> > >actions will ever lead them towards desperate measures or to
> > >destruction or to hopelessness, i would rather move to another
> > >province and never see them again.
>
> > >is it easy for me trying to give them what i think is the best?  NO!
> > >it hurts like hell!
>
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
> > >*
>
> > >i want to die to escape the hurt.
> > >but i know that don't really want to die.
> > >i want to live...
> > >i want to see my children grow up and be good, strong people.
> > >i want to see them going through the stages of life.
> > >i want to see them living their dreams.
> > >i want to see my granchildren.
> > >i want to get married again and show my children what a healthy
> > >relationship looks like.
> > >i want to care for people the way that i longed for people to care for
> > >me when i was going through tough times.
>
> > >(i am trying so hard to talk myself out of the pain i'm feeling.)
>
> > >what is keeping me from death right now?
>
> > >my so who loves me and who is so patient with all of us.
>
> > >...my  two children...
>
> > >supportive friends
>
> > >my faith that g*d will restore my life as he originally intended it to
> > >be.
>
> > >i will have to face my children this afternoon - and i hope that my ex-
> > >husband has began the process of helping my son.  i am afraid that i
> > >will still see the hurt in his eyes and i am sure that i will not be
> > >able to contol my emotions when i do...
>
> > >this is the naked me
> > >i am a mother...
>
> > --
> >     ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> >      The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing
> >                    we are becoming white light.
> >                         j...@tuells.org- Hide quoted text -
>
> > - Show quoted text -
>
> Thanx for reply and advice!
> I think it wil definitely help!- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

u r most welcome ...
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