• Als Spam markieren
• Beitrag melden

• 
  Diese Gruppe Alles

• Archiv
• RSS-Feeds

• Kontakt
• Hilfe
• Impressum
• Datenschutz

desultory array

i feel that i must enter with a strong, defensive statement.   i seek
support that is a construction in my mind based on past experience in this
cyber-location; based on what i assume the intent of those who gatther here
to be.

it took a long, persuasive campaign by two people to convince me to read
anything here, let alone to write anything.

actually, i spent a lot of money, at a time when money was scarce in my
life, in order to purchase the equipment that allows me to get here.  &
being able to read & write @ asd was the single reason that i upgraded my
computer, back then.
i just remembered that!

i've been sick, recently.  some kinda bug got me & spiked a fever in me.
that, in turn, exacerbated the ms, as fevers do.  pain, insomnia, fatigue, &
(ironically, considering the insomina) have defined my existance.

i watched several documentaries about rwanda recently; about women &
injuries that they suffer as a result of the particular way in which they
were assaulted.  my imagination is both too limited & too empathetic
regarding the circumstances of those women.  i want to say that i can't
imagine the particular feelings & their depth & breadth as well as the
redefinition of self that the traumas inflicted upon those women must
create.  however:
to have said what i just wrote in the previous sentence, i
necessarily am able to connect in an organic manner to those women...

women i'll never meet, whose manner of living, both
materially & socially, are so astoundingly different than my own that i am
surprised when i realize that we live on the same planet.
i realize, anew,that we are of the same world, everytime that i
encounter images & language of &/or about those women.
i am only able to think or imagine that i have a possible
inkling of knowledge of their experience by virtue of the worst experiences
in my own life:
i have endured & survived multiple physical
ass**lts that have included types of *bse that many ppl commonly refer to as
sx*al *bse & something that is most extreme in that genre of physical
attack...  it starts w/the letter "r"
(i don't think that "r" & other physical attacks that ppl refer to as sx*al
in nature are actually sx*l.  i want sx to be a positive, healthy,
pleasurable experience that, at worst, is fun, &, at most, is transcendant,
powerfully moving, mutually metaphorically expressive of deep, positive
emotions that defy verbal articulation.  i don't want to allow vi*lnt &
traumatic offenses to be combined in any mode of thinking & perception of
the world, of reality, w/sxuality.  yet, it seems that it is.  it seems to
me that vi*lnce & sx are more frequently combined in various cultural
expressions than are love & sx.  i wonder if all of culture is subordinated
by war, always, no matter what else, in the ways that victors inscribe
history.)
also, i have survived the d**ths of many loved
ones.  tho right now i am on the cusp of the age in which d**th becomes
increasingly common for one, such as myself, who lives, fortuitously, by
virtue of the extreme & obscene wealth of the self-proclaimed "advanced
sector," all of the loss i've already experienced took place when i was
young & when most of those who di*d were young.
su*cdes, drug overdoses, aids, cancers, & political assassntions.
assassassassassassassassassassassass
and for reasons that are entirely beyond my
abilities to be responsible, i've been pariahed by my family, then later, on
a few occasions, by a few different social groups.

i appreciate knowing about those women, but i question my appreciation
of that knowledge.  my questioning relates to my critical attitudes about
the idea of people making documentaries about the women.
the women are dark skinned.  the documentarians are young,
light skinned men from the "advanced sector" who take their complex &
sophisticated cameras into the impoverished, ramshackle clinics where the
women are housed while mostly male doctors perform surgeries on them in
attempts to "patch" the hideous, permanent wounds that remain after the
women were attacked.
non-profit funded organizations surround those women w/social workers
who come from more materially endowed cultures than the culture that birthed
& raised the injured women.  often the social workers tell the women's
stories.
it seems to me that too much of the women's stories is
elided.

since wwii & the shoah (a hebrew word that means the
destruction of a culture), or the "holocaust," as most call it, there has
not been a genocide of the size of that which continues in rwanda; now over
one million gone.  & it is almost as systematic as the shoah, which has, in
my mind, stood out in genocides as having been the most systematic.

i prefer "shoah" to "holocaust" as the term for that particular
genocide
because "holocaust" signifies something larger, more planetary or global;
something that encompasses all of humanity -- something that might come in
the future.

i learned about someone i met @ asd, "beauty," having di*d.  i
learned that her passing was posted at asd & that many ppl wrote about it.
i learned about it off line, tho, & limits on my energy prevent me (for now)
from searching for the pertinent threads.  but i want to add words to her
memorial & commemorations.  she & i had a private rapport via which we
shared a variety of interests & cultural practices.  we valued many, maybe
most of the same social ideas, attitudes, & practices.  we collaborated on a
couple of projects.  i respected her.  i kept forgetting to ask about her
conspicuous absence @ asd after i had been away from it for a long time,
myself, & also after a time passed during which it became 1st difficult for
me to reach beauty, then impossible.  & also, well before i couldn't reach
her, i had stopped hearing from her.  & i was concerned.

last night i saw a blurb about terri g*rr on an entertainment show in
t.v.  she has ms.  on the program she appeared in a wheel chair.  she is 61
yrs.  she looked old to me.  i'm not much younger than 61.  she said that
ppl treat her very differently since she became ill.  i completely relate to
that!  meanwhile, it is scary for me to observe her deterioration,
especially when i've been especially ill.
today my ms support group meets.  i've been forging some
good connections insida that group, recently, by taking responsibility to
creat & manage a distribution list for notices to the group via email, & by
designing & managing an internet support group for us.

in the recent past i wrote stuff here about how ppl treat me
differently since i've been dxed w/ms, & increasingly as i appear sicker &
more disabled.  it was difficult & scary for me to explain the depths &
worst aspects & fears of my isolation.  in my entire life, i've never
deliberately plut myself in such a vulnerable position as i did when i
divulged that stuff.
the most supportive & helpful things that were said to
me then came from baba yaga & astri.  unfortunately, when those 2 ppl
branched into a dialog that was private to them & written in some sort of
code that i didn't understand, i flipped out a little.  i emphasize "a
little."  in asd lingo, i was triggered.  starting from the point of my
extreme isolation & desperate loneliness, when i couldn't figure out what
was being said, i feared the enforced isolation by virtue of closed cultural
doors that i experience in most of my life; that i'd written about at length
in the thread.  consequently, in 4 brief posts i implored the two whose
supportive words had only moments before been the most assuaging & empathic
thing that anyone had said to me, ever, about my feelings in struggle with
the entirely-new-to-me sense of social isolation.  really, in all of the
rest of my life i've been extremely well-networked w/lots of friends &
political & collegial connections.  now all of that is broken...  but, i'm
not gonna talk about that again.
anyway, i bordered the posts in which i impored those 2 to explain
what they meant by their code w/"expletive, expletive, expletive..."  i'm
not substituting "expletive" for any other words, now.  that is the word i
wrote, then.  & i triggered the 2 whose words i had most appreciated.
but the worst thing is that a dog pile style flaming ensued.

i started this post by saying that i feel i must write
something defensive as a start to engaging in anything here @ asd.
it's not because of the dogpile that ensued back then,
maybe a month ago...  i can't remember exactly.  but it's because there are
a couple of ppl @ asd w/whom i was in conflict in the past.  & i mean way
past.  years past.  relatively spking, re: asd, yrs. in the past is ancient
history.  i don't even care about those conflicts anymore.  conflicts in
which the other ppl were equally responsible for the problems as was i;
conflicts that were never resolved, sadly, tho i made efforts to get them
resolved.  but, the others made it emphatically clear that they had (have)
no interest in resolution.  oh well.  i'm not trying to claim that i hurt
more than anyone else, or that i did anything better than anyone else.  what
i'm trying to do is get to be able to say:
altho some other asders have
requested that i not mention those conflicts; that i simply participate @
asd & let ppl see who i am irrespective of other relationships in my life,
it remains the case that those w/whom those conflicts developed know many
asders in other venues than @ asd.  since each of them divulged lotsa info &
opinions to me about lotsa different asders back in the day when we were
buds, i fear & believe that each of them has dispensed less than positive
opinions & descriptions of me in asd back channels.  i've seen/read plenty
of nay-saying about me from them in plain view @ asd, & then, when i've
attempted to defend myself...well those are the times that i've been asked
to refrain.
& i will, but...
i don't believe that anybody will ever be able to give me a
fair hearing about anything @ asd any longer.  over & over again those who
were in conflict w/me have said &/or insinuated that i'm horrible &
dangerous & aggressive & completely unsafe & beyond self-improvement, unable
to hear any "constructive criticism," hence unable to learn anything about
improving myself.  darts, daggers, bullets, & bombs have been launched at
me.  i expect that certain folk will wanna strike at me again if those ppl
read this, & i beg them to leave it alone already.
i have become enlightened about certain things that i did &/or
said that, when i did/said them i thought of them as justified & correct,
but once enlightened about them i realized ways that they could have hurt
that i did not understand @ the time of the deeds &/or words.  i apologized.
& besides apologizing, i've made other efforts to hold out the proverbial
olive branch.
they don't wanna take it.  that's their business.  & that is fine &
can even be called "right," but what's definitely wrong is for either of
them & anybody who fancies hirself to be an ally to either of them in a
poloarized conflict that has long been over & passed, for me...  -- what's
wrong is for anybody who reads anything that looks like conflict or
confusion or misunderstanding or difficulty that involves me or can be
assigned as my solitary "fault" (tho, i would argue that there is no
conflict in which i've been involved that is my solitary fault)...  what's
wrong is for anybody to chime in with stuff like, "you see!  trill is
dangerous.  trill is bad.  beware of trill.  trill will hurt you.  blah blah
blah de blah blah.!!!"

that sort of dynamic has gone on & on & on & on
ridiculously.

in fact, i, trill, am good at being
a friend.  i don't go in for the superficial.  i don't often srite short
posts with standard types of encouraging remarks.  i usually don't respond
to a post unless it resonates w/me in a way that allows me to be able to
dialog w/it in depth; perhaps to carry on via a thread a conversation in
which 2 or more of us explore something.
&, should i ever be in conflict w/anyone for any reason,
unless that conflict involves life-threatening attacks, i don't terminate
friendships.  i don't consider conflict to indicate that a friendship has
gone bad.  rather, i think that it signifies a difficult growing point in
the relationship, & i see it thru, to the extent that an other is willing to
engage in the necessary process.  sometimes i table a conflict, in mutual
consent w/another, to be able to move forward in the friendhship to a point
where we can revisit the conflict, at last toward a resolution.
but, i've encountered a few ppl who prefer not to work thru
the/a conflict; who prefer to terminate the friendship.  & that is the case
w/2 ppl @ asd.  & that situation has affected other ppl's thinking & feeling
about me, more than i expect anyone will ever say, especially @ asd.

i write none of that stuff to ask for any comment from anyone.
in fact, i hope that no one will comment.  i'm not attempting to give
anybody any other opportunity to try to teach me any lesson that sie thinks
i need to learn, nor to try to warn others about me being as terrible as the
certain someones appear to believ i am.  rather, i'm trying to pave a path
that i can use as an entry point for me to walk in & out of asd safely so
that i can offer whatever support, friendship, insights, underestanding,
empathy, sympathy, etc. that i have to give to other indivual who, like i,
seek refuge from the larger world that doesn't understand the twisted &
tesseracted & layered & folded, complicated mental methodology of
dissociation.

still, like when i 1st came to asd, i prefer to think of our ways of
thinking & identifying as "metasociative" rather than as
"dissociative."

certainly i realize that i dissociate, just as i can recognize dissociation
in other asd members.  however, i strive, as it seems to me that most ppl
who hang at or visit asd also do, to overcome the negative difficulties of
dissociating by metasociating, meaning that by being able to associate
across the various disociated boundaries of our thinking & identities, w/out
losing the distinctions of the identities &/or various ways of thinking that
eahc of us practices, we are each able to enhance our comprehension &
apprehension of the world in which we live metasociatively or
hyper-associatively; self-consioucly self-consciously; knowing ourselves as
all of ourselves in a hyper-conscious state that listens & hears the variety
of perceptions of each distinguished aspect or alternative of ourselves at
once & to creat associations among those thoughts & feelings of those parts.

i hope that made sense.

someone whom i had believed was lost to me as a friend because of the ms,
because of hir reaction to seeing me disabled by the ms, called me up &
apologized to me for having pulled away.   that surprised me a lot.  we had
a few long, processing talks.  we've been hanging out together, again.

an old friend w/whom i had recently reconnected only for me to
receive a surprise & undefined rejection finally divulged the reason for the
rejection.  i was shocked by it.  sie had looked me up on the internet & was
only able to find a few references to my work.  from that sie concluded that
i didn't do most of what i said i did.  when i suggested other ways of
verifying my publications & degrees, sie only said that sie knew that i
could phony it up & that sie wasn't willing to talk w/me anymore.
that was sad for me.
one of my neighbors approached me at the trash can pen & told me sie had
looked me up on the internet & found a buncha stuff about me.  sie focused
on me being a lesbian, never mind teaching & writing & organizing.  very
weird, this info tech age.

a friend of mine offered about a year ago to pay for me to get
dental work.  i've been hunting for a dentist.  after a couple of them
struck me as being incompetent & rude, i met one whom i trusted.  i
submitted to some work on my mouth & sie did things to my teeth that hurt
them & made my mouth more messed up than when sie started.
trusting a dentist is almost impossible for me.
meanwhile, i'm afraid that my teeth are gonna fall out!

i'm falling asleep.

trill

Antworten