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Re: boundaries and privacy (was Re: last night n today)

x-no-archive: yes

big snip for manageability......

> >Putting it out there, in writing, where others can see it and take it
> >and make it into what they want to make it into......UGH.  Not only
> >does it make it real but it seems to me like it is giving it to others
> >with permission to use it as they wish.
>
> do you mean you're concerned that other people here will
> misunderstand, or they'll respond with "yeah, it's similar for me,
> only blah blah blah," and it ends up being something about them that's
> not what you were trying to say? or that somebody from your rl will
> see it and take it and twist it? or all or none of the above?
>
> i don't mean to put you on the spot with all the questions; just want
> to understand.

Okay, you really made me have to think about this before I could
answer.  I had to remember what in the heck I meant by that and now I
have to hope I can remember so that I can put it down on screen. :)

It is not about people saying, "yeah, it's similar for me, etc".  That
can be comforting to know that I'm not the only one experiencing "x".
Having someone here misunderstand can be a problem (one I find often
with just the written word) but that's not what I meant here.

I've been staring at the screen for a few minutes now which means that
explaining this is hard for me and I'm trying to find an "out".  I
guess the key phrase above is "it seems to me like it is giving it to
others
with permission to use it as they wish."  That to me means
maliciousness.  Like they might blurt out something private of mine
that they have learned at a social gathering or to the one person I
really don't want to have that information.  Or that they will use it
to "ambush" me in some way.  Does that make sense?

I do also (now that you've mentioned it) worry sometimes that someone
from rl will find stuff I might write, connect me to one or more of my
jobs (one of which I just wrote about to Nahanton--it was scary to do
that) and loudly proclaim, "that woman is entirely too crazy to be in
that position of authority".

>
> >It is frustrating because
> >lately I've been having trouble remembering things--not just big
> >things, but little things--you know, the things that seem unimportant
> >at the time, but a few days or weeks later you need to remember what
> >day that thing happened or whatever and you can't because you can't
> >remember anything.  And I've been contemplating writing everything
> >down that happens in a day's time--even the little things like "ran
> >into so-and-so and they told me 'x'" because there have been too many
> >times recently where I've needed to remember something as trivial as
> >that and can't.  But then I think, "I have no safe place to put
> >that."
>
>  :-(
>
> >Which is pretty silly because it isn't like I'm thinking about
> >keeping a ~journal~ full of personal, private stuff (~that~ would be
> >impossible).  But the truth is, I have no place safe to keep anything
> >and I wouldn't want anyone to find it and read it and know what I do
> >during the time when I am not there.  (Again, even though I'm not
> >doing anything incriminating or anything like that.)
>
> i suppose there are degrees of safety/unsafety, but any amount of
> feeling unsafe is troublesome, whether it's small writings or big ones
> that you want to keep to yourself.

I would always be worried about ~where~ my writings were.  (See I sort
of live in two different places--two or three days here then a night
there.)  And there are other people in both places.  I couldn't carry
my writings with me at all times so I would have to leave them
somewhere.  That's not safe.

>
> enough incidences such as the one i wrote above happened to me in my
> foo (well, actually it was one long incident. there were just no
> boundaries between me and my mthr) that i was unable until a few years
> ago to write down anything at all. and i live alone and no one ever
> comes over, so i could practically paste it to the front door and no
> one would see it. but still i couldn't do it.

I probably couldn't either.

>
> >Logically, I know this is stupid.  As my sometimes ever-so-helpful
>
> i wouldn't say it's stupid. it's not very useful for you now, but it's
> understandable.
>
> >sister told me one time, "it's always about you".
>
> now this i find very icky also. when i was first dx'd years ago, and i
> was trying to explain to so-called friends, i was scolded more than
> once by more than one person about how self-centered and self-involved
> i was. that made me so mad and so frustrated and i felt so helpless in
> the face of their accusations. well, yeah, i was self-centered. yeah,
> i was self-involved. because for 35+ years i had to make sure i had no
> self at all so i wouldn't be annihilated. and when i discovered i did
> have a self, had more than one in fact, yes, dealing with it took up
> all of my time and energy.

So much for supportiveness, huh?  Sometimes it is about me.  But
mostly, I don't ever want ~anything~ to be about me.  I don't like
attention, I'm scared to have anyone see me, so why would I want it to
be about me???

>
> >I know it is stupid
> >to think that anyone would even want to know what I do during the time
> >I am away, let alone care about it.  People don't think about me in
> >that way--you know, the way in which they would have to think about
> >someone to want to find out what they do and where they go, etc.
>
> >Anyway.....ick.
>
> sorry you feel this way. not the ick about personal boundaries, but
> the feeling unsafe about writing your experience.

Thanks, tess.  And thanks for making me think about this. :)

Domino
>
> tess
>
>
>
> >Domino- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

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