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babbling mostly

X-No-Archive: Yes

Hi,

Long time no post, I know.. been lurking a bit here and there over the
last few months.  It's hard for us as we often feel like we have to
read and respond to everything and this newsgroup has grown so much
that it gets to be overwhelming.. but we've been lurking lately.

Mainly just need to kind of babble to people who understand right
now.  Please pardon us if we don't get all of our posting etiquette
right... it's been so long since we posted.  We don't think there's
anything in here that needs spoilering... but maybe we've forgotten.

We're very very *very* lonely right now.. though even though we've
been feeling like this for weeks now, we just put a word to the
emotion tonight.  Lonely.  That's what it is.  We thought it was just
missing our boyfriend and some of it is.  But it dawned on us tonight
that a lot of it is missing him because he's one of just a very very
small group of people in our life who accept each and every part and
value each one.

We don't have very many friends and almost all the ones we do have are
work friends, so they don't know that we are many.  It's too
dangerous.  I don't think any of them would intentionally say
something to someone about it but I'm afraid that maybe they'd be
asking how we're doing and we'd be honest and someone who shouldn't
know would overhear.  Then we would have trouble.  We know it.  Our
manager is not a nice lady and we don't doubt for a moment that she
would find some way to use it against us in a way that would be subtle
enough that it would be too hard to prove that it was because of a
mental illness.

Our sister-in-law (who is also our friend) tries very hard and we can
talk to her some but she's been working lots of extra hours lately and
isn't around much.  I think our m*m would like to be more supportive
and accepting but her initial reaction to anyone other than me (Val)
is either anger or sarcasm so we've learned not to let the little ones
out around her.

Our little ones are wanting to be held and our bigger ones aren't
cutting it for them.  They don't want Brian and I.  They want to be
held by someone outside the body.  The only person who can really do
that is our boyfriend.. but he's 400+ miles away.

We were reading a book tonight and it had just the most basic of
scenes of a housekeeper hugging a little grl who had lost her
m*ther... and it struck a chord in us and we've been crying off and on
since then... and that was at about midnight (it's now 4:30am.. thank
goodness we don't work til noon tomorrow).

Our family has never been one for hugging much.. and now we can't
hardly stand to have anyone touch us because it stirs so much emotion
in us and most of the time we end up crying and that gets pretty
awkward.  So when we're not with our boyfriend... it's pretty rare
that anyone touches us at all.  And something about the thought of
being hugged and held just made us very very sad and feeling lonely
tonight.

It's so hard to socialize because we have to be so social at work
because we work with the public... that's why most of our friends are
work friends.  And we do sometimes do stuff after work with them.. but
we have to be so guarded.  And sometimes we wish we could confide in a
few of them.. just maybe 2 or 3 that we really trust who are *good*
friends and really care.. but we just don't want the risk of our
manager finding out...

*sighs* so we remain sad and lonely... and not sure how to fix it...
and of course t. is not until next Wednesday.

thanks for reading if you got this far..

val

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