Re: vent

On Sep 8, 10:47 pm, cometz <comet...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Sep 8, 8:33 pm, Emerging Butterfly <emerging.butter...@hotmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Sep 6, 10:16 am, cometz <comet...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> > > On Sep 5, 6:41 pm, Emerging Butterfly
<emerging.butter...@hotmail.c
om>
> > > wrote:
>
> > > > This community I live in.....Sometimes I just want out.
>
> > > > There is lots of kind of "behavioral modification"
overtones to a l
ot
> > > > of the counseling. Behavior modification of this sort has never wor
ked
> > > > for me in a truly therapeutic way. In childhood, i learned to modif
y
> > > > my behavior, to be "good". But it came at an incredibly
high
> > > > cost...losing myself, my real feelings....dissociating so other alt
ers
> > > > in me could hold scary feelings without my awareness. So for me, th
is
> > > > sense of a "be good, do your chores, keep your room clean, keep
a
> > > > structure"....well, when i'm "GOOD", i'm mostly
highly modulated an
d
> > > > deeply enraged inside. Even when I'm NOT "good".....the
rage inside
,
> > > > the modulation on the outside....i feel defensive. i don't want to
> > > > explain why i'm struggling. i don't feel like it matters. it feels
> > > > like "straighten up and fly right", so i withdraw
emotionally.
> > > > on the up side, there are great relationships at the house...a few
> > > > anyway. i've learned how to cook for large groups of people, learne
d
> > > > that my perceptions tend to be valued and valid in terms of other
> > > > people and possible motivations....but i've gotten that validation
> > > > almost everywhere i've been. the "high-functioning me",
people seem
to
> > > > like.
> > > > there's some stuff about getting in more touch with my emotions, wh
ich
> > > > is good.
> > > > but....i just.....it's too scary. it's too regulated.
> > > > i think i'll put in my 30 day notice and find an apartment to live 
in
> > > > (IN DENVER, THOUGH)!:)
> > > > Yes. I'm leaving the community.
>
> > > think you are running away from issues.
>
> > Yes.
>
> >  think you are running back
>
> this is an astute observation.
>
> > > into old scripts.
>
> > Okay.
>
> >  maybe running away feels like statement of strength.
>
> > Yes. In the past, I've stayed in bad situations (like with that
> > therapist) for far too long. michaela minimizes issues very easily,
> > and then someone else inside runs, finally, in desperation. we'd
> > rather leave before michaela gets too panicked (she's not that strong
> > - we don't know if she can really handle this.)
>
> yes. understand. we are just beginning to grasp how terrifying and
> anxiety producing it is for us when we feel like friends get too
> close. the need for intimacy (meaning emotional trust and risk, not
> having to do with body stuff, tho that is also a terrifying thing as
> well but anyway... ok, sorry for all the words)  that one or the other
> of us have had to retreat us. never saw this truth of us before.
> pretty sad to us that it is 55 years of life and only just really
> comprehending the depth of this fear.
> issues are like that, the stupid things. (weak grin)
>
> understand that some or all (just not clear how much) of the stuff
> that is bothering is understood by you and realistically viewed. we
> don't doubt the legitimacy of your feelings. ours have had control of
> us for the majority of our daily minutes the whole life. only
> wondering if departing is the way to rectify what is bothering. some
> places that do assistance with living situations get intrusive. i have
> seen that with a friend of mine who is in a three person house. we
> would have a very hard time with that, i think. but was also just
> wondering if there was stuff that you could do to address issues and
> see if you can effect some change? sometimes it works. sometimes the
> hierarchy and precedence of organizational history overwhelms any
> attempt to evolve. that isn't something you can change, imo. it is
> really just a wondering. i am also doing a lot of wondering,
> inspecting of why and what is true in my life. i find myself
> disturbing and i'm not trying to be funny, tho it is also funny. i
> think i haven't ever been able to feel even nearly real most of the
> life. that is pretty terrible to live in. at least i think it is.
>
>
>
>
>
> > > don't know. we do running away also. has never been a run toward
> > > health. always a run toward "feeling" safe, but never ended up
being
> > > smart or safe.
>
> > Hmm. Yes, i think we can probably identify.
>
> >  just a run toward chaos. think you are making mistake.
>
> > > think you should talk about the way you feel about the rules and the
> > > "good girl" stuff and deal with it, not run from it.
>
> > okay.
>
> > > sorry to be blunt.
>
> > Betsy, one thing I both struggle with and really value about you is
> > your bluntness. Thank you very much for giving it to me straight. Your
> > input matters to me. I just have to work on not feeling too ashamed
> > when you point things out. You wouldn't say unless you cared, right?
> > maybe you think there's hope for us? maybe if we don't run....will you
> > think you're brave?
> > (we want  you to think we're brave, to like us.)
>
> i am sorry that the response was so short. us is not me. they are kind
> of a group of who they are and i can't really communicate with them,
> tho i hear them and know what is going on. they tend to be short with
> words. it's not lack of empathy, i think, but rather a choice to be
> simple, uncomplicated, i guess. there is probably a better word but i
> can't quite place it. i am so so sorry, and i know they would say this
> also, that you felt ashamed cause of our words. they just say what
> they see as true. whatever is said by us should always be understood
> as being from a group who still do not function well as a group. we
> (perhaps me mostly) am still uncomfortable with even being intimate
> with them. we stopped doing serious overt si a few years ago and have
> changed to be healthier in some ways with the life, but no one here
> should ever think or believe that any of this person has anything
> solidly pinned to the ground. we are trying, in sometimes very broken
> ways, to learn how to change. really, that is what i feel like the
> whole goal of my being has been for... forever.  not that i did it, or
> do it well when we manage it. there has been very little elegance to
> my life or how i have behaved in it.
>
> we pretty much think all people are brave if they are trying to be
> real. you are trying to be real. that is very clear. that is maybe why
> us replied. cause we think that is a struggle with honor. we do like
> you and respect you. we have the same kinds of issues only in
> different clothing. same as the rest of humankind. just some of us get
> more of the crummy stuff than others. that sox.
>
> betsy, who is trying to become more real to her own selves and the
> rest of the world

betsy - this whole response brought tears to my eyes. thank you.

>
>
>
>
>
> > > us- Hide quoted text -
>
> > > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
[ Auf dieses Posting antworten ]