Re: vent

On Sep 8, 11:45 pm, "confused" <nospamsometimesknownas...@gmail.com>
wrote:
> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > On Sep 6, 11:20 am, "confused"
<nospamsometimesknownas...@gmail.com>
> > wrote:
> >> Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> >>> This community I live in.....Sometimes I just want out.
>
> >> is that a familiar feeling for you?
>
> >>> There is lots of kind of "behavioral modification" overtones
to a
> >>> lot of the counseling. Behavior modification of this sort has never
> >>> worked for me in a truly therapeutic way. In childhood, i learned
> >>> to modify my behavior, to be "good". But it came at an
incredibly
> >>> high cost...losing myself, my real feelings....dissociating so
> >>> other alters in me could hold scary feelings without my awareness.
> >>> So for me, this sense of a "be good, do your chores, keep your
room
> >>> clean, keep a structure"....well, when i'm "GOOD", i'm
mostly
> >>> highly modulated and deeply enraged inside. Even when I'm NOT
> >>> "good".....the rage inside, the modulation on the
outside....i feel
> >>> defensive. i don't want to explain why i'm struggling. i don't feel
> >>> like it matters. it feels like "straighten up and fly
right", so i
> >>> withdraw emotionally.
> >>> on the up side, there are great relationships at the house...a few
> >>> anyway. i've learned how to cook for large groups of people, learned
> >>> that my perceptions tend to be valued and valid in terms of other
> >>> people and possible motivations....but i've gotten that validation
> >>> almost everywhere i've been. the "high-functioning me",
people seem
> >>> to like.
>
> >> so maybe now you can let them see other parts of you?
>
> > it's just....the very very tender young parts aren't treated so well
> > by everyone....people tend to get kinda scared and avoid us, or just
> > want us to do what we're supposed to do.
> > last week we got catatonic cuz celebration (SCARY) and c*ndles at
> > table. (a)
> > and we didn't mean to, but we shut down. couldn't move or speak
> > really. and a staff person told us was celebration for someone else
> > and we needed to join it and honor her....not be in struggle i was in.
> > it really really hurt.
>
> ok. understand the hurt. i would feel hurt too. umm... but think a lot of
my
> hurt would be from old baggage

ok, but the way it was done was hurtful and dismissive, nonetheless,
old baggage or not.
>
> sounds like there may be learning needed for people in your community and
> for you. so a question is, has there been chances for that learning to
> happen?

i try to learn lots. i've developed almost new alters to try to deal
with this and do things "right," so it's not learning so much as
pr*gramming selves....when not able to assimilate the feedback, we try
really hard and then just program an alter to heed that feedback.
as far as learning on the staff's part....i tried to explain trigger
to this woman the other night and she had no interest in learning
about that.

>
>
>
> >>> there's some stuff about getting in more touch with my emotions,
> >>> which is good.
>
> >> yes, you posted before about how good the community was for you
>
> > yeah, you're right, i did...maybe it comes and goes in waves.
>
> understand about waves. so, think this is something you should rush into.
> ride a few waves so you can get a better sense of what's going on

i've been there 6 months. the waves are trending toward not so good.

>
> >>> but....i just.....it's too scary. it's too regulated.
>
> >> "too scary". regrets it feels scary. seems like often times
things
> >> get scary for you. have you talked to the staff about that?
>
> > oftentimes in general, or oftentimes in community? maybe i could show
> > staff post i wrote?
>
> in general
> think showing staff what you wrote would be a good idea

i won't at this point. expressing those emotions doesn't work in this
community.

>
>
>
> >>> i think i'll put in my 30 day notice and find an apartment to live
> >>> in (IN DENVER, THOUGH)!:)
> >>> Yes. I'm leaving the community.
>
> >> I hope you can think carefully about this.
>
> > i am. i just...needed to say i was leaving to myself just to
> > sorta...try out the idea? was one alter speaking. all the other alters
> > didn't agree, so we have to think it through more....although *I*
> > would really like to just move the lot of us out.
>
> is good to process. glad you are posted and trying to sort it out.
>
> >  you have a history of running
> >> away.
>
> > oh. yeah?
>
> seems like.
>
> hmm... maybe reread this post:http://groups.google.com/group/alt.support.
dissociation/msg/b9cb75c19...
>
> >  how can you make sure you aren't running away from a supportive
> >> environment?
>
> > *sighs*
> > I can keep talking about it and not make any decisions just yet.
>
> understand that is hard, but sounds like a good plan for now.
> --
> "wolfie" of confused- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
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