Re: vent

On Sep 9, 2:44 pm, cometz <comet...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Sep 8, 8:30 pm, Emerging Butterfly <emerging.butter...@hotmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > On Sep 5, 8:05 pm, Puddles <allthepudd...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> > > Emerging Butterfly wrote:
> > > > This community I live in.....Sometimes I just want out.
>
> > > > There is lots of kind of "behavioral modification"
overtones to a l
ot
> > > > of the counseling. Behavior modification of this sort has never wor
ked
> > > > for me in a truly therapeutic way. In childhood, i learned to modif
y
> > > > my behavior, to be "good". But it came at an incredibly
high
> > > > cost...losing myself, my real feelings....dissociating so other alt
ers
> > > > in me could hold scary feelings without my awareness. So for me, th
is
> > > > sense of a "be good, do your chores, keep your room clean, keep
a
> > > > structure"....well, when i'm "GOOD", i'm mostly
highly modulated an
d
> > > > deeply enraged inside. Even when I'm NOT "good".....the
rage inside
,
> > > > the modulation on the outside....i feel defensive. i don't want to
> > > > explain why i'm struggling. i don't feel like it matters. it feels
> > > > like "straighten up and fly right", so i withdraw
emotionally.
> > > > on the up side, there are great relationships at the house...a few
> > > > anyway. i've learned how to cook for large groups of people, learne
d
> > > > that my perceptions tend to be valued and valid in terms of other
> > > > people and possible motivations....but i've gotten that validation
> > > > almost everywhere i've been. the "high-functioning me",
people seem
to
> > > > like.
> > > > there's some stuff about getting in more touch with my emotions, wh
ich
> > > > is good.
> > > > but....i just.....it's too scary. it's too regulated.
> > > > i think i'll put in my 30 day notice and find an apartment to live 
in
> > > > (IN DENVER, THOUGH)!:)
> > > > Yes. I'm leaving the community.
>
> > > are you sure you want to do this?
>
> > No, I'm not really sure. was just a vent...a sense that I "could"
> > escape...one alter speaking. i don't yet have an integrated decision
> > about this. the feedback here helps. :)
>
> >  Seems like verbalizing the fears of
>
> > > emotions in a regulated sense may seem easier then completely throwin
g
> > > in the towel.
>
> > Maybe. or just hiding and being the "really good girl", not giving
up
> > too much? or is that still too much avoidance?
>
> > What other reasons do you have for leaving? What are the
>
> > > reasons you would want to stay?- Hide quoted text -
>
> > Reasons for leaving:
> > I want cable tv and we don't have it there.
> > I have enough money to make it work to rent an inexpensive apartment.
> > I have an excellent therapist now to process things with.
> > I have a person to "keep me in line" (as astri put it) if i need him
> > to for not cleaning apt., etc.
> > I want internet where i live, unlimited, and i don't have that there.
> > the relationships feel...shallow in a lot of ways, and i end up
> > feeling hurt over stupid things and feel rejected over stupid things
> > (ya know, maybe those are good things to discuss in this place rather
> > than running....hmmm.)
> > I HATE HATE HATE HATE simplistic solutions and behavior modifications.
> > I get VERY triggered and it feels dehumanizing to me, and like my
> > emotions don't matter - i just have to be "good". and that angers
me.
> > and then i get helpless and stuck and i hate the feelings and my kinda
> > "self-pity"?
> > so the main reason for leaving....i'm triggered. i'm angry with the
> > "therapy".
> > Reasons to stay:
> > MAYBE I can work through the triggers (I'm not sure if it's safe
> > enough)
> > Maybe I can learn better skills for things like keeping my room clean,
> > ways to do it without using a "d*sc*pl*narian.
> > There are really fun and funny times.
> > I can keep building my skills with things like cooking and
> > relationships and dependability.
>
> > the main question is, can i work through this irrational rage i feel?
> > this rage that "nobody cares or likes me" that's from so long ago
and
> > feels so pathetic to feel? and if so, how do i do that without
> > displacing the feelings on others or shutting down? how do i handle
> > feeling angry and shut down?
>
> > > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -
>
> > - Show quoted text -
>
> wondering... if you have enough money to have apt. why not work out
> how to get cable and computer at this place? esp. computer access,
> which for us is essential for lots of important things. could approach
> tpst to help you figure out how to get this for yourself at this home.
> some places is just an issue of cost. they don't want to pay for
> installation and stuff like that. if you cover all costs and may it
> clear that you need the access but won't use it to avoid community or
> whatever they have concerns about, it seems like it could be made to
> work.

i don't think so. the business office there has internet which we can
use if we're logged on by staff, but can't even come to this group
through that. i don't think they allow others of us to get internet.
i could try n check.
i just....am keeping the contact with them to a minimum right now.

>
> don't know. just sorta thinking out loud.
>
> betsy- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -
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