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Roller Coaster Life

When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of
extreme highs and extreme lows.  With grieving the loss of a child the
highs are really missing.  Metaphorically the highs are a relief or an
absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black
and white and merge one into the other.  I try wth all my might to
experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book.  I try with all my
might to re-capture who I was, but I fail.  I can't even come close.
I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I
can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who
had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and
possibilites.  I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep.  Who am
I?
I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and shiny, my
smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise.
You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are
dull.  All an act.
I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30
years.  I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her dog
poor woman.  I wonder how she copes......if it were me....  I don't
know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of
pity.  I am marked.
How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a
child.   The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered.
At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children.  Now
I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they
are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family
gatherings that I remember having.
I don't fit in anymore, not really.  I am the mother who has lost a
child.  See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she cope.

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