[usdk22-2] Patrick Michael Sullivan, usenet "toughguy" writes, "All I feel is [....] complete fear, sometimes panic. [....] I can't look people in the eye, without getting freaked out. So, I hide out most of

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From: iluvmydogs@canada.com (Michael)
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Subject: This is so pathetic, I know
Date: 8 Feb 2003 18:52:32 -0800
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but this is how I feel.

I have become some sort of freak, I am sure.  I have lost myself.  I
am not human, I am not even a man any longer.  All I feel is pain and
complete fear, sometimes panic.  I cannot deal with people, places,
things.  I can't look people in the eye, without getting freaked out.
So, I hide out most of the day.  I only go to work, the gym and I come
home.  I talk to no one, really.   And when I do talk, it's all fake,
an act.  I don't even function sexually any longer, not that I have a
girlfriend, or anything.  I am just alone.  My interest in that has
completely fallen off.  I have really no interest in anything.
Nothing "sparks" my passion, as I have no passion.  I am like some
god-awful animal species that lives undergound and only really comes
out at night when it cannot be seen or heard.

This all really sounds so grotesque.  But this is the level I am at.
I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't smoke pot or take doctors
meds.  I have done all that.  For me, it is almost over.  God, if I
have to spend another year like this, I will end up in the nut-ward.
I was there, I won't go back....

It's not from lack of trying.  I have done the counselling thing,
addressed sexual abuse issues, tried the toxic med route, tried
exercise, healthfood, and on and on.  But I am dying, simply fucking
dying in my heart, my mind, my body, my spirit and in my
soul..........

My father committed suicide, as did my step father.  I feel, maybe
even fear, that my time to go is near, too.  This is a living hell.
No one should have to suffer in this way.  This is a prison I am
living in.  Sorry for the awful report.  Unfortunately, this is where
I am at.

Peace to you all.

--Michael


--
The Paddlestop UCM (you see 'em) Project is creating a single point and click
posting history for the net abuse of the monstrous nym-shifting cyber stalker,
Patrick Michael Sullivan of Nanaimo, Canada.

<http://quisquamquodpanton.info/paddles/pmspedo.html>

<http://geocities.com/pms_kook>

*** Note: Patrick Michael Sullivan has abused anonymous remailers to
disrupt groups, and to harass, stalk and libel his victims. ***
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